The Bad Guy

Baby, I prefer the word “difficult.”

I recently received an e mail from a good friend (perhaps you got some variation on it, too) titled “The Day The Penis Asked For A Raise.” It went a little something like this:

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

P. Niss

The Response:
Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.

You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

V. Gina

After reading this I couldn’t help but think that the fictional “V. Gina” was not being fair to the also fictional “P. Niss.” Upon taking a moment or two so I could ponder the indignities of being belittled by a superior, I took the liberty of writing a rebuttal for “P. Niss” and sending it back to my friend. I hope you enjoy it, too.

Dear V. Gina,
I would like to rebut many inaccuracies distortions from your last message.

1) I may not work 8 hours a day, but that amount of
time is never actually required. The fact is that I
spend all day, EVERY day on call. Such loyalty and
dedication is [*ahem*] hard to come by and should be
duly compensated.

2)Yes, I do fall asleep…AFTER the job is done. Do
you have ANY idea how suffocating it is in there? Do
you?! As for not taking directions from the
“management” please understand that all directives
must be clearly stated, never implied, to ANOTHER
DEPARTMENT ENTIRELY. I don’t handle “special
requests” I just do the job in front of me.

3) Accidents happen. Need I remind you of your
penchant for not notifying me of your monthly

4) I am ALWAYS taking the initiative in affairs of the
loins, many times against the better judgment of
higher brain functions.

5) Clean-up is not my department, never has been.

6) Yeah, it’s MY fault that I have no hands to put on
the safety gear.

7) It’s not my fault my financial planner is better
than yours. If you’ve got a problem with my early
retirement than I suggest you get a job teaching high

8 ) Double shifts? I’m in the union, we have rules.

9) Leave before the job is done? I beg to differ.
Perhaps you just work too slowly?

10) Hey, you might not like those bags, but the lady
you’re attached to keeps begging me for what’s inside
them, so you’re overruled on that one.


P. Niss


October 29, 2007 - Posted by | bad jobs, genitalia, humor, relationships, sex, whimsy


  1. P – Niss,

    The fact is that you already get a raise every time, before you even commence your duties. Don’t you think you are asking for too much?????

    V Gina’s cousin

    Comment by Winlee | November 1, 2007 | Reply

  2. V. Gina’s cousin,
    That “raise” you speak of is not what it seems. Those are the costs of doing my job. It is paid out of my own pocket, hence a business expense. The fact that I am not being duly compensated for my expenses makes a monetary raise that much more necessary for me to continue in my line of work.
    P. Niss

    Comment by thebadguy | November 1, 2007 | Reply

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