The Bad Guy

Love is in the air!

I guess it was two years ago. I was at work and three VERY drunk women were waiting for a friend in the lobby. At the time I was listening to “Coast To Coast AM” and playing Advanced Wars DS in an attempt to drown out their conversation. All was going according to plan when one of the women got up and approached me at the desk.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the lady grab hold of her friend’s shoulder, stood up and staggered over to the desk. She was a middle-aged woman dressed in the finest of off-brand stretch jeans and a Bacardi t-shirt. With gigantic hair and neon make-up, she was hard not to notice and even harder to find attractive (Not like I’ve been that picky in my distant past, but I do have this thing against clowns).

drunk lady: Baby, what are you doing?

me: Playing video games.

drunk lady: Look at me.

me: One moment.

drunk lady: I said LOOK AT ME!!!

me: [I was a bit startled by the volume] Jesus, lady!

drunk lady: That’s better. Now I can see your eyes…You have sexy eyes.

me: Can I help you with something?

drunk lady: Why you want to rush things?

me: *sigh* Please don’t take offense, I’m just not in the mood to converse.

drunk lady: Do you think I’m pretty?

Because no answer I’d give would have helped me, I decided that the best thing to do was to evade and hope for the best.

me: I can’t get into those subjects while I’m on the clock.

drunk lady: I think you’re a good looking man. [The wobbly fifty year-old leaned in close to me and whispered] Want me to tell you what I’d do to you?

me: Not really.

drunk lady 2: Why are you talking the desk guy?  He just told you he’s on the cock!

me: [Rolling my eyes] I said I was on the…Eh, whatever.

drunk lady: [To her friend] You shut up, we’re having a heart-to-heart over here. [The drunk lady turned back to me] Let me tell you about what we’re going to do when you get off work at…What time do you get off work?

me: Never.

drunk lady 2: He gets off work at midnight, but he’ll still be on the cock! [drunk lady 2 & 3 laugh their asses off at that one]

me: Thanks.

drunk lady: [To her friend] Thank you. [To me] only ninety minutes away. You’re a lucky man.

me: I disagree.

drunk lady: Oh, when I get you home tonight I’m going to ride you so good you’ll cry in my arms after. Then I’ll hold you and kiss away your tears.

me: [Scared and unsettled] Lady, I’m about to cry right now and you haven’t even touched me.

The lady swung at my head and missed. Her friends ran over to the desk and stopped her from climbing over the desk to kick my ass.

drunk lady 2: NOT NOW! NOT NOW! [To me] I’m sorry about my friend, she gets this way when she drinks.

drunk lady 3: [To the first drunk lady] We’re going outside now.

drunk lady: [To me] Fuck you! You stuck up, pecan-dicked faggot!!!

The trio of drunk ladies exited the building. A few minutes later I stepped out to the gate for a smoke and saw that the three were calmly talking outside…Until she saw me.

drunk lady: [Pointing to a Honda Civic parked in front of the building] This your car?

me: I don’t own a car.

drunk lady: I know this is your car!

me: Honestly, I don’t own a car.

drunk lady 3: He doesn’t have a car!

drunk lady: So you wouldn’t care if I kicked the door like this?

The drunk lady stomped a big dent in the door with the bottom of her foot. She looked directly into my eyes after that and noticed that my expression never changed. The anger drained and revealed a shocked “what the fuck did I just do” look.

drunk lady: That’s not your car, is it?

me: I don’t own a car.

drunk lady: OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!!

The drunk lady sprinted away with her friends in tow. I could hear them screaming as they booked as far away from the building as could. I finished the rest of my cigarette…Smiling.

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May 31, 2007 - Posted by | bad jobs, san francisco, vandalism, Work

3 Comments »

  1. Excellent post! (Sorry you had to live through it, tho!)

    Comment by geltsgirl | June 1, 2007 | Reply

  2. I always figured you for a brazil-nut dicked faggot myself…..

    Comment by Myrtle | June 1, 2007 | Reply

  3. Its not the cigarettes but the mad women that will kill you!!

    Its ok BG if they fall short of killing you I’ll send Patch to come and fix you up ;o)

    Thats whar friends do – right?

    Hath

    Comment by Hath | June 2, 2007 | Reply


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