The Bad Guy

Seventh Grade Sex Ed Class

I was in seventh grade in my sex ed class (well, the half-assed excuse for one). Now, when one thinks about sex ed, one thinks about learning the basics of reproduction, not being pressured into sex, blah, blah blah. What one doesn’t think will be covered are those EXTREMELY awkward topics that are difficult to broach even among adults. Sure, I’ll give my sex ed teacher credit for at least trying to answer our questions, but not much.

One of the ways my sex ed teacher handled difficult questions, was the “anonymous question” box. If a student had a question that he or she did not feel comfortable asking, that question would be submitted to that box and answered in front of the class. This was a wonderful idea except for one thing:

Many questions were never given proper answers.

The one example I can remember that best illustrated this was the question “What is a blowjob?” Sure, we all know what one is now but such wisdom was not available to all seventh graders. So my teacher read the question to the class and answered it as best she could:

“A blow job is when the woman kisses and blows on the penis.”

Most of us in the class had no experience about what a blowjob was, but we still knew this answer was bullshit. We knew there had to be more to it than that. Perhaps that’s how oral sex was performed at her house, but I shudder to think about the spouse who never had the heart to speak up and tell her “Would you please effing put it in your mouth already!!!”

The worst day of sex ed was even more mind bending. At the beginning of class my teacher walked in and…

teacher: Class, today I need to tell you about something very important and VERY serious.

Could this be a talk about AIDS? Perhaps we were going to get the safe sex talk, or learn about other STD’s. Not a chance.

The teacher strode to the blackboard, picked up a piece of chalk and began writing in big letters:

“AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION”

She underlined the words and spoke them out loud.

teacher: Auto-erotic asphyxiation. This is a disturbing and dangerous trend among young people today. You need to be aware of it and avoid it.

The class was dumbfounded.

teacher: Many young people have found that they can make masturbation…

class: HA HA HA HA HA!!! [tons more guffaws, giggles and various other form of vocal mirth could be heard.]

teacher: This is serious! Be quiet and listen. Many teens have found that by strangling themselves while masturbating…

student: *snicker*

teacher: [Glared at the student and resumed her thought] …They can make their orgasm more intense. By chasing this sensation, many teens have died. They were found naked, and hanging by belts or ropes by their parents. You do not want to die this way, so you need to know not to do this.

If there was one thing seventh graders already knew, was that being caught masturbating by your parents is always a bad thing. To be caught dead having just masturbated…That was humiliation none of us could even begin to fathom. And did we ever stop giggling or take the subject seriously? Not a chance. And considering that she was not allowed to discuss the normal kind of masturbation or even what a blowjob is, she got what she deserved. And for our nervous laughter we were treated to thirty-five more minutes of this subject. The teacher talked in more and more graphic detail of the topic, we would laugh, and she would look at us like we were the assholes.

May 17, 2007 - Posted by | autoerotic asphyxiation, memories, oral sex, sex ed

6 Comments »

  1. Wow! My class never covered such advanced topics!!!

    Comment by geltsgirl | May 18, 2007 | Reply

  2. Michael Hutchins should have taken this class. Then I would be able to see the REAL Inxs at the indian casino instead of the new TV version of Inxs.

    Comment by Myrtle | May 20, 2007 | Reply

  3. Michael Hutchence didn’t NEED no instructions to know how to strangle himself!

    Comment by thebadguy | May 20, 2007 | Reply

  4. Heh I am really the first reply to this awesome post.

    Comment by Jed Schaffer | May 28, 2010 | Reply

  5. Really awesome article. Really!

    Comment by Marc Chappell | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  6. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog like
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    Comment by fitness center | June 20, 2013 | Reply


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