The Bad Guy


I guess it was five years ago. I was working at the peep show and hating my life. The evening was busy, the customers were extra annoying and some guy was trying to bond with me while I manned the front desk. He had no urge to check out the shows, get change or even cruise the hallways. All he wanted was to chill…With me…At the front desk.

This was very trying for me because I had recently resolved to be nicer to customers. This guy proved that I had made no progress in this task.

guy: What are you listening to?

me: Manowar.

guy: What the Fu-?

me: [Already exasperated] Can I help you?

guy: Naw, I’m just hanging out.

me: Well, I’d appreciate it if you hang out, outside. you can’t wait around in the lobby.

guy: He’s [Pointing the man in the chair next to me] hanging out here.

me: That guy works here.

guy: [Noticing the drum machine manual next to me, he wrinkled up his nose and asked] You use that thing?

me: Why?

guy: That model is OLD…It sucks!

me: Whatever.

guy: I work downtown at [a big music store in SF that will not be named here]. We don’t even bother servicing that model anymore. Get a better drum machine, dick!

me: I’ll keep that in mind. Could you go now?

guy: No. I feel like hanging out here with you…[The guy turned to customers walking in]…Come on in, we got NAKED LADIES in here.

me: Don’t do that.

guy: Don’t do what?

me: [Rolling my eyes] You don’t represent this place, so dont’t pretend that you do.

guy: Come on, be nice to me. I’ll get you a kick-ass deal on a better drum machine. Just tell me which one you want and I’ll get it to you for PENNIES on the dollar!

me: Please leave.

guy: Why you gotta be a dick, man?

[a guy I worked with had enough of this and chimed in]

coworker: I stopped asking him that a long time ago…It’s his “Dharma” or something. Having said that, GET OUT!!!

guy: FUCK you guys! Listening to shitty metal and playing with gay drum machines…FUCK YOU GUYS!!!

Unfortunately, the guy was still in the in the building halfway.

me: Dude, I don’t go down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

guy: [He crossed his arms] Ask me nicely and I’ll leave.

me: Fine. Will you pretty PLEASE fuck off?

guy: Fuck you guys!

So, finally, the guy did leave.

Later on I got to thinking about the incident. I also remembered that he told me EXACTLY where he worked. It was at that moment that I resolved:

me: As God as my witness, I WILL go down to that guy’s job and slap the dick out of his mouth!!! Oh, yes I will!

The next day I trekked down to the music store and found the guy. With an evil joker’s grin I wildly waved at him as I made my approach. He saw me, did a double-take, and mouthed the words “Oh, fuck.”

me: Hey, buddy! What’s going on?

guy: What the fuck are you doing here?

me: I’m taking you up on those [I raised my voice for all to hear] SWEET DEALS YOU PROMISED ME ON BRAND NEW DRUM MACHINES!!!

guy: Will you shut up?!?!


[His coworkers, the security guys, and managers all cocked their heads to figure out what was going on. For some reason none got involved. I know for DAMN sure I posed no physical threat.]

guy: Listen, I’m sorry about last night, will you please go now?


guy: I’m sorry! OK? I’m sorry!!! Please leave before I get in trouble.

me: Sure thing, I’ll go. But never pull that shit again at my job.

guy: I promise.

me: Works for me. Bye…Feel free to put that dick back in your mouth now.

With that, I turned around and exited the music store with the theme to the Good, the Bad & the Ugly playing in my head.


May 14, 2007 - Posted by | bad jobs, peep shows, the customer is always an asshole, Work


  1. I’m glad you’ve changed your Dharma! 😉

    Comment by geltsgirl | May 15, 2007 | Reply

  2. The customer is always right – you shouldn’t have been using that drum machine 🙂

    Comment by Myrtle | May 15, 2007 | Reply

  3. dude your a hero to all people who work in service.

    Comment by brian | July 1, 2008 | Reply

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