Fred Meets My Girlfriend

My girlfriend Tina had just parked her car in front of my building and was about to walk upstairs to meet me. Before she could get to the door she ran into my neighbor, Fred. He was fixing his car dreaming of the day that he could get his license back, when the sight and smell of a young woman took him out of his automotive trance. And since the walls were thin and Fred was loud, I could hear the whole exchange from my sofa.

Fred: [Doffing his cap and flipping back his greasy hair] Can I help you with something, Miss?

Tina: That’s OK, I know where I’m going. [Tina pointed at my place and moved to the front door]

Fred: [Also moving to the front door] You know…I’ve lived here for YEARS and know just about everyone here. Who you going to visit?

Tina: I’m going to visit my boyfriend.

Fred: Who’s your boyfriend?

Tina: He just moved in, he lives on the 2nd floor.

Fred: You mean that boy? Up in that place [he pointed at my window]?

Tina: Yes.

Fred: Well, goddamn! I didn’t know he liked girls…I’m sorry [I looked out my window and saw Fred glance down Tina’s shirt], I mean WOMEN!

Tina: Well, he does and I [with a flourish, points both index fingers towards the front door] gotta get going up there…Bye!

Fred: You come back sometime and I’ll give you a ride on my HOG! [He pointed at his vintage, but broken down Harley…Which had two flags flying from the back: One full-sized U.S. flag and one full-sized POW/MIA flag]

Tina: [Polite, but impatient] I have to go now!

Fred: Alright. [Fred smacked his lips as he watched my lady friend walk up the stairs]

*knock, knock*

me: It’s open!

[Tina walked in and quickly locked the door behind her]

Tina: Oh my god, Is that guy really your neighbor?

me: [With an evil grin] How’d you enjoy meeting Fred?

Tina: He invited me to “ride” his “hog.”

me: Well, I’m sure he only meant that in the carnal sense. He lost his drivers license a couple of weeks ago.

Tina: [Punching my arm] Ew!

me: Yeah.

Tina: How did he lose his license?

me: Sit down and I’ll tell you all about it…

The next day I ran into Fred when I returned from the grocery store.

Fred: Hey, neighbor!

me: Hi, Fred!

Fred: You got yourself a good woman…A HOT one!!!

me: Uh…Thank you?

Fred: I could tell we had made a connection, but I wouldn’t dream of taking your woman away from you. I could tell she wanted me though.

me: That’s mighty big of you, Fred. [I made my way to the door, my eyes rolling the entire time]

Fred: Hey, man?

me: What’s up?

Fred: She’s got one hell of a rack, don’t she?

me: I’ll talk to you later, Fred.