The Bad Guy

Fred Gets Arrested

I was in my Maynard, MA apartment enjoying a lovely evening of late night TV when I heard a police siren on the street. I went to my window and saw that my upstairs neighbor Fred had just gotten home with two police cruisers right behind him.

cop 1: Come on, Fred, you know the drill.

[One of the great, and possibly most unnerving things about living in a small town is that the cops always know you by your first name.]

Fred: FUCK YOU, PIG!!!

[The cop tilted his head up and rolled his eyes. His body language was not of a man in fear, but of a man who was asking the heavens “Why do I EVEN bother?”]

cop 1: Jesus, Fred! What have I told you about drinking and driving?

Fred: Go on, git!

[David Cross was absolutely correct when he said that the “ignorant redneck” accent does not change from region to region in this country… But I digress…I exited my apartment and went to the balcony that overlooked the parking lot. As it turned out, a few of the other residents were heading out there, too.]

cop 2: [Sternly] Fred, we need you to put your hands behind your head, and kneel on the ground.

Fred: Su-WEEEEEE, piggy-piggy-piggy!!! Why don’t you bend your knees, piggy-piggy?

cop 1: Fred, we didn’t want to make a big thing about this. Just put your hands on your head and kneel on the ground.

Fred: Your messin’ with the wrong guy. [Slams his fist against his chest] You see, I FOUGHT for my country. And I’ll drink a beer in my car if I want to [He grabbed the can of beer off the top his car and emptied the rest of the contents into his mouth] You want to breathalyze me now?

cop 2: You’re just making things worse for yourself. Kneel on the ground…Please.

Fred: [to cop 1] How long have we been friends?

cop 1: A long time. Kneel on the ground!

Fred: What are you going to do when I don’t?

[All of us on the balcony gave each other nods and glances. We knew what was coming next. The two policemen charged Fred and wrestled him to the ground, face down, and cuffed him.]

Fred: All right, all right! Ow, goddamn! Get your knee out my ass!!! I’ll get in the car, I’ll get in the car!

cop 1: You have the right to remain silent…

Fred: I got another beer in my car, can I finish it?

cop 1:…Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.

Fred: Aww…Fuck you then!

cop 1: You have the right to an attorney…

Anyway, the policemen got Fred into the back of the car just fine and drove him to the station two blocks away. When his case went to court, Fred lost his drivers license…But not his right to party.


April 15, 2007 - Posted by | beer, COPS, david cross, drunk driving, MA, Maynard, police, ronnie dobbs


  1. I didn’t know that story!

    Fred seems strangely masochistic.

    Comment by geltsgirl | April 16, 2007 | Reply

  2. […] me: Sit down and I’ll tell you all about it… […]

    Pingback by Fred Meets My Girlfriend « The Bad Guy | April 18, 2007 | Reply

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