The Bad Guy

First Night In A New Apartment

Ten years ago I moved into an apartment in Maynard, MA. The rent was cheap, it was close to work and I loved the town. So I moved all of my stuff in, and late that night I got into bed and was all set to fall asleep in my new place when I heard a knock on the door.


me: [From my bed] Yes?

neighbor: It’s Fred from upstairs. We met when you moved in today.

me: [Bewildered] Uh, hey…What’s the problem?

neighbor: I was just wondering if you had any beer?

me: No, I do not.

neighbor: Well, the liquor stores are all closed and I would really appreciate it if you could give me a couple of beers to tide me over until tomorrow morning.

me: I don’t have any beer.

neighbor: I just need one…Or two.

me: I can’t help you, I have no beer.

neighbor: [Jiggling the doorknob, trying to open it] Well, could you let me in for a moment? Maybe I could check your fridge…?

me: No you can’t come in! And there’s nothing in my fridge. It’s not like some magical portal to a Narnia brewery. What’s in there is what I put in there. And among those items there is no beer.

neighbor: [Skeptical] Are you sure about that?

me: Fred, I have work tomorrow morning and I need to get some sleep. You do know it’s 3am, don’t you?

neighbor: Yeah I know! What have I been telling you? It’s too late to go buy beer. Could you PLEASE give me one?!

me: [Screaming] I DON’T HAVE ANY BEER!!!

neighbor: Jesus, man! You don’t have to be a dick about it. Excuse me for keeping you from your precious shut-eye!

And with that, Fred stomped back upstairs, slammed his door and proceeded to crank the Doobie Brothers. Me? I managed to fall asleep a little while later.

This would not be the last time I would deal with Fred.


April 15, 2007 - Posted by | alcohol, beer, MA, Maynard, neighbors


  1. But the most important question is – Was it pre-Michael McDonald Doobie Brothers?

    Comment by Myrtle | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  2. The song was “China Grove.” So, yes, it was the good stuff.

    Comment by thebadguy | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  3. Loving the “magical portal to a Narnia brewery”

    Sadly, I don’t think Fred got it.

    Comment by geltsgirl | April 16, 2007 | Reply

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