The Bad Guy

The Old Man And The Pee

It was the Saturday before Easter one year ago. I was sitting at the desk at work and…Well let’s just start this story.

resident : You ready for Easter?

me: [emphatic] YES! Are you?

resident : No. Not even close. Are you working tomorrow?

me: Sure am, Ma’am.

resident : I’m sorry. How can you work on the day of the Resurrection?

me: Well, if Jesus can spend the better part of a Friday nailed to a cross and then push a big rock out the way of his tomb door 2 days later with holes in all his limbs and a big cut under his ribs, I’m sure I’ll be fine sitting on my ass for eight hours here.

resident: You do have a point.

[An elderly male resident hobbled into the lobby leaning on his cane and stopped at the desk]

me: Hey! How are you doing?

old man:I’m…I…Uh…I’m… I peed.

me: Excuse me?

old man: No, excuse me…I just peed.

[I walked around the desk to see the man was indeed, standing in a puddle of his own urine]

me: Well…Uh…

old man: If you get me a mop I’ll clean it up.

me: [Knowing that this man was far too inebriated to even stand much longer] No, I’ll clean it up. Just go upstairs and lie down for a while.

old man: I’m sorry.

me: Don’t worry about it

resident : Come on, I’ll help you get upstairs.

[So the first resident helped the elderly man board the elevator and took him upstairs. Me? I fetched the mop and cleaned up the mess.]

-Two hours later-

[I was sitting at the desk watching the Cosby Show.]

Dr. Huxtable: You SEE, Theo! You need to do well in school…You see.

Theo: Da-ad!

[The elderly man from earlier returned to the desk. I muted the volume and turned to him.]

me: How are you feeling?

old man: I’m sorry about earlier.

me: Well, these things happen. I’m just glad you’re OK.

old man: Uh…I need to tell you something.

me: What is that?

old man: [He leaned in like he was about to tell me a secret] I…I peed myself again.

me: Just now?

old man: Yes.

me: Right where you’re standing?

old man: Yes.

[I stood up and looked over the desk. There on the floor was another gigantic puddle of urine]

me: [*sigh*] I’ll go get the mop.

old man: I’ll help you clean it up.

me: Don’t worry about it.

old man: You want anything from the store?

me: No, I’m good.

old man: I’ll be back.

me: I don’t doubt it.

[So I got the mop and cleaned that exact same spot…Again. I muttered and cursed under my breath as I cleaned the mess up. Then I remembered that, as bad as this job was, it was nowhere near as bad as some of my previous jobs. After I was done, I sat back at the desk and watched some more TV. Less than hour later, the old man returned…with a two-liter of cheap brandy.]

old man: I’m back.

me: Welcome home!

old man: I got my drinks.

me: JE-SUS! Are you really going to drink all that?

old man: I drink two of these a day.

me: Two bottles…That size?

old man: Yep.

me: I don’t want to tell you your business, but don’t you think you should slow down a bit? Drinking that much is pretty unhealthy. I mean, at least, brandy needs to be sipped not chugged…You got a snifter upstairs?

old man: I…I don’t do drugs.

[I hung my head, and rubbed my eyes. I guess I set myself up for that one.]

me: Well…You just be safe then. And call me if anything goes wrong.

old man: I will. Thank you.

[The old man boarded the elevator and headed back to his unit. As he did that, I watched him on the cameras to make sure he was OK. Less than a minute after he closed the door to his unit I got a phone call from him.]

me: Hello?

old man: Hi, this is unit 340.

me: Are you OK?

old man: I…I peed…I peed in the elevator.

me: Wonderful.


April 7, 2007 - Posted by | bad jobs, san francisco, urine, Work


  1. Well, it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on 🙂

    Comment by Myrtle | April 8, 2007 | Reply

  2. Your snippet of the Cosby show was spot on!

    Comment by geltsgirl | April 8, 2007 | Reply

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