The Bad Guy

Scarborough Country, 2/22/07

Tonight on “Scarborough Country”: No actual news whatsoever!!!


-Almost 30 minutes on Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse.

Why, Joe? Why? I know you must feel some amount of shame for spending so much time on this. So why do you do it? I think you will agree with me that gang bangs are, at the very least, in poor taste. Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. Now, can you agree with me that necrophilia is also, at the VERY least, distasteful? Great, we have agreed that gang bangs and necrophilia are in poor taste. Now let’s combine these two things. Wait! You and every other network already beat me to it!!! That’s right, your show spent the first 30 minutes tag-teaming Anna Nicole’s dead body…Again. I understand the first few days of coverage, but this is beyond macabre. Your network has already spent more effort on this than they did the Israel-Lebanon conflict last year.

I know, Every other network was covering the same thing. So why am I singling you out? Because I expect more from you. That’s right, you are better than this. You’ve worked hard to rise above the shouting matches and name calling that permeates other conservative talk shows. Now I challenge you to rise above this. Your show is not about corpse fucking, or rather, it shouldn’t be.

-Britney Spears gone crazy.

I don’t care, and I’m going to bet that you don’t either. “But what about the kids?” You say. I deal with these problems on a daily basis, and the press could care less. Why? Because the junkie parents I deal with are broke. They are broke and the likelihood of a happy ending is next to nothing. The kids are hauled off by CPS and parents resume their downward spirals in anonymous desperation.

-Is the voting on “American Idol” rigged?

This just in, Joe: OF COURSE IT IS!

But wait, here’s the punchline to your show:

-“Up next: Hollyweird!”

Wasn’t that tonight’s entire show?

What really bugs me is that “Red Eye” will touch on more important news stories tonight than you did (no offense, guys). And what’s REALLY sad is that E! already has covered the stories you did tonight with more exhaustive depth. I’m your friend, Joe. I’m your friend and a loyal viewer and I’m asking you to cut out the celebrity crap and put your four days a week to good use.

Hell, you want a REAL celebrity investigation? Get to the bottom of the latest Van Halen break up. I want answers, America wants answers, and you do too. Yeah, it’s another celebrity story, but it’s one that isn’t drilled into our skulls all day on yours, and every other network. Van Halen has had a larger cultural influence on this country than Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears and American Idol combined, and you spent no time on the subject.

Allow me to list some anecdotal memories:

-When I was in high school my friends could only agree on one band: Van Halen.

-When I got to college and some guy wanted to kick my ass (for getting our group project an “A”), what stopped him: Van Halen.

-When I was in a van with a band I played with, driving from Boston to New York to play a show, what was the only music we ever agreed on: Van Halen.

-When I was at the International School of Geneva, what was the only band that a Greek hotel heir, A U.S. diplomat’s son, two guys from Iran and myself could agree on: Van Fuckin’ Halen (and Depeche Mode).

-When I drove across this great land of ours, what cassette stopped an Arizona State Trooper from giving me a ticket: Van Halen (Fair Warning).

You want more reasons to get involved, watch these:

And need I remind you of the constant cock-tease they have inflicted on the American public? They decide to reunite with Dave…Then they nix that and hire the guy from Extreme. They decide to reunite with Dave once more…And then reunite with Sammy. Then they do it again…And…Call the whole thing off. This must stop once and for all. If you can spend an hour NOT reporting the news, you can spend an hour getting all four original members of Van Halen (yes, Michael Anthony, too) to work out their differences. Do it for us, Joe…Do it for America…And the WORLD.


February 22, 2007 - Posted by | Alex Van Halen, David Lee roth, death, Eddie Van Halen, gang bangs, joe scarborough, MSNBC, necrophilia, reunions, scarborough country, TV, Van Halen

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