The Bad Guy

Drunk Dial (Wrong Number)

I was woken from my slumber last night at about 3 am. I reached for the phone on the third ring and croaked into the receiver “Hello?”

lady: “Daniel, why did you ditch me?”

me: “I’m sorry, miss. There is no ‘Daniel’ here. I think you dialed the wrong number.”

lady: “You coke-dicked piece of SHIT!!! Don’t fucking play games with me! I know your mealy, donkey-cock-sucking voice. No one ditches me…”

*CLICK* [I hung up the phone]

Two minutes went by and then the phone rang again.

me: “Uh, hello?”

lady: [sobbing] “Daniel, I’m sorry I yelled at you. You came in at the wrong time, you didn’t let me explain…Daniel, I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!”

me: “Miss, you dialed the wrong number again. This is not Daniel. There is no Daniel here. There has NEVER been a Daniel here. I hope you find Daniel, but I guarantee you that you will not find him here.”

lady: “You limp-dicked FA…!”

*CLICK* [I hung up the phone]

I was about to unplug the phone for the night when it rang again.

me: “There is no Daniel here, lady!”

lady: “Don’t you fucking raise your voice to me. I will come over there and cut your balls off, Daniel!”

me: “Fine, go to Daniel’s place. And, please! Feel free to cut off his balls when you get there. Just stop calling me BECAUSE THERE…IS…NO…DAN-I-EL…HERE!!!”

lady: “Oh, I’m coming over to your place right now, and we’re settling this right now, DAN-I-EL. And you BETTER answer the fucking door.”

me: “Great! Just stop calling here!”

lady: “Oh, we’re done talking!”

me: “Good.”

*CLICK* [I hung up the phone for the last time]

So this message goes out to Daniel and his drunk lady friend. I hope you have settled your differences, made up, and exchanged the CORRECT PHONE NUMBERS!


February 15, 2007 - Posted by | break-ups, drunk dialing, etiquette, relationships, romance, san francisco, valentine's day, wrong numbers


  1. lol funny… love it !!! I can hear poor miss drunk-to-much, trying to make her point to you, “DAN-I-EL”, in each syllable ! Very comical.

    Comment by tixxx | February 15, 2007 | Reply

  2. Thank you.

    Comment by thebadguy | February 16, 2007 | Reply

  3. Let us hope his balls are in tact as well.. or he may just start giving out your phone all the time.

    Comment by bob dole | February 16, 2007 | Reply

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