The Bad Guy

Steadicam

I do not revel in the death of others.  On the other hand, when death is preserved on video as historical record (and there is time to plan) a Steadicam, or at least a tripod, would be a grand idea.  You know what another grand idea would be?  How about encoding Quicktime videos at a higher bit rate?

My point is that after watching anyone die, I should feel some sense of shame over seeking out and watching a video of a person being executed.

Instead of a normal, HUMAN reaction to watching another person die (some sense of horror, guilt for putting forth effort to see the clip, etc.) I am looking at the video quality and wondering if this is the real thing or a hoax.  I’m wondering why the picture goes black for almost a minute, I’m wondering if the video was shot with a cell phone.  I am wondering a whole bunch of things that have nothing to do with the fact that I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE DIE.  And that bugs me.

December 31, 2006 Posted by | death, humanity, News and politics, production value | Leave a comment

Worst Christmas Story EVER TOLD!

The following story is made more horrible by virtue of it being 100% true.

Two years ago I was at my job on Christmas day and one of the visitors asks a simple enough question:

“How do people like you celebrate Christmas?”

I thought about it for a moment “Since I’m here, I guess I’m not celebrating Christmas.”

“Naw, naw…If you weren’t here, how would you be celebrating Christmas?”

Because I’m the kind of guy who will say the EXACT wrong thing when given the opportunity I counter with “I don’t. I celebrate Hanukkah.”

The man in front of me wrinkled up his face in awkward disgust,

“HANUKKAH?!?! But you’re not BLACK!”

The man’s wife (who was patiently waiting behind him) then smacked him hard on the back of the head while rolling her eyes.

“He’s saying he’s Jewish, you ignorant bitch. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, you’re thinking of Kwanzaa. I am never taking you to visit my moms ever again.”

“Hanukkah, Kwanzaa…What’s the difference?”

I answer him, “One candle.”

fin

December 24, 2006 Posted by | bad jobs, Christmas, san francisco, Work | 3 Comments

Best Crazy Homeless Line of the Day

I was outside the building I work at smoking a cigarette when one local crazy lady starts on a rant about the world that “holds [her] back.”

“No one looks into my place, I don’t need no place! Get a job? Get some money? I don’t want DRUGS! I don’t want the laser to shine on my brain. I’m better. I am brighter than a laser. I blow the fog off the streets! I am truth, I notarize notary publics!!!

Wow. Do not scoff at her boast. It’s not everyday that Homeless crackheads can answer (albeit in an insane, round-a-bout fashion) Juvenal’s immortal question “quis custodiet ipsos custodes [who watches the watchmen].” According to her, she does. And for once I love my job.

December 15, 2006 Posted by | Work | Leave a comment

Isn’t this…

…how the Fantastic 4 started?

December 13, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Beetle Bailey

Yesterday I wrote about the Wizard Of Id/B.C. movie.  Today I will tell you about the horror that is the Beetle Bailey movie.  The project is still in development but I’ve heard enough about it to say that it should just be put out of it’s misery.

Beetle Bailey is set to be our very first Iraq War comedy.  That’s right, the whole gang is going to Iraq.  Not only that, but Halftrack’s men will be guarding a prison.  Are you getting more nauseous?  Yes, it’ll be a slap-stick version of Abu Ghraib.  Really, the less that’s said about this the better.

December 10, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

the Wizard Of Id / B.C. live-action feature

So I got a call from a friend of mine in LA the other day. He starts telling me about his job at FOX studios and how he is absolutely LIVID about this one project in development…The Wizard Of Id/B.C. live action feature.

That’s right. I said the The Wizard Of Id/B.C. live action feature. It was just about the only thing that could have changed the course of the conversation from “why can’t you get me a job like yours so I can understand your pain,” to “WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?!”

“I truly hope you’re fucking with me.” I pleaded knowing full well that he wasn’t.

“Oh it’s very real,” he answered. “And VERY close to being green-lit.”

So my friend goes on to tell me the entire plot of The Wizard Of Id/B.C. movie. A story I shall capsulize for you here.

We begin with the Wizard requesting an audience with the King to bring news of a new and powerful time travel spell. The technique involves the use of two powders. One to send a person forward in time and the other to travel back. From what I understand something goes wrong and the King and the Wizard are sent WAY back in time to the Stone Age. The duo are trapped and must work as a team to find all the ingredients to make the time travel powder.

As they wander the the land before time (but not Jesus, if you take you take Johnny Hart’s word for it) the Wizard and the King not only survive, they thrive. Their knowledge of basic technology make them gods to the cavemen. They take the primitive wheel and make carts, bring fire, bows and arrows and unite the cavemen to aid in their quest.

Months pass and the time spell can be cast again by the Wizard. Both he and the King travel back to Id only to find what has gone on in their absence. Sir Rodney has taken power, peace has been made with the Huns, the land is prosperous and the peasants are happy. The King will not have any of this. He takes his only ally, the Wizard, and travels back in time once again. Back in the land of B.C. he raises a caveman army and takes them forward through time to retake his kingdom.   The movie ends with the King back in power with seemingly no damage to the fabric of time.

Are you traumatized?   I was.  Though I was not surprised by the proposed plot, I was surprised that Parker & Hart would give it their blessing (who knows, maybe they haven’t yet) .   The whole project is wrong on many levels.  It’s wrong because it’s based on a C-list comic strip, it’s wrong because the story is twisted and retarded, and…Christ I just give up.   Thanks Hollywood.  Thanks a bunch.

BTW – After my “friend” wore me down with that drek he dropped a worse bombshell. “…And that’s nothing compared to the Beetle Bailey movie were working on!”

No, this is far from over.

December 9, 2006 Posted by | comic strips, movies, Uncategorized | Leave a comment