The Old Man And The Pee
It was the Saturday before Easter one year ago. I was sitting at the desk at work and…Well let’s just start this story.
resident : You ready for Easter?
me: [emphatic] YES! Are you?
resident : No. Not even close. Are you working tomorrow?
me: Sure am, Ma’am.
resident : I’m sorry. How can you work on the day of the Resurrection?
me: Well, if Jesus can spend the better part of a Friday nailed to a cross and then push a big rock out the way of his tomb door 2 days later with holes in all his limbs and a big cut under his ribs, I’m sure I’ll be fine sitting on my ass for eight hours here.
resident: You do have a point.
[An elderly male resident hobbled into the lobby leaning on his cane and stopped at the desk]
me: Hey! How are you doing?
old man:I’m…I…Uh…I’m… I peed.
me: Excuse me?
old man: No, excuse me…I just peed.
[I walked around the desk to see the man was indeed, standing in a puddle of his own urine]
me: Well…Uh…
old man: If you get me a mop I’ll clean it up.
me: [Knowing that this man was far too inebriated to even stand much longer] No, I’ll clean it up. Just go upstairs and lie down for a while.
old man: I’m sorry.
me: Don’t worry about it
resident : Come on, I’ll help you get upstairs.
[So the first resident helped the elderly man board the elevator and took him upstairs. Me? I fetched the mop and cleaned up the mess.]
-Two hours later-
[I was sitting at the desk watching the Cosby Show.]
Dr. Huxtable: You SEE, Theo! You need to do well in school…You see.
Theo: Da-ad!
[The elderly man from earlier returned to the desk. I muted the volume and turned to him.]
me: How are you feeling?
old man: I’m sorry about earlier.
me: Well, these things happen. I’m just glad you’re OK.
old man: Uh…I need to tell you something.
me: What is that?
old man: [He leaned in like he was about to tell me a secret] I…I peed myself again.
me: Just now?
old man: Yes.
me: Right where you’re standing?
old man: Yes.
[I stood up and looked over the desk. There on the floor was another gigantic puddle of urine]
me: [*sigh*] I’ll go get the mop.
old man: I’ll help you clean it up.
me: Don’t worry about it.
old man: You want anything from the store?
me: No, I’m good.
old man: I’ll be back.
me: I don’t doubt it.
[So I got the mop and cleaned that exact same spot...Again. I muttered and cursed under my breath as I cleaned the mess up. Then I remembered that, as bad as this job was, it was nowhere near as bad as some of my previous jobs. After I was done, I sat back at the desk and watched some more TV. Less than hour later, the old man returned...with a two-liter of cheap brandy.]
old man: I’m back.
me: Welcome home!
old man: I got my drinks.
me: JE-SUS! Are you really going to drink all that?
old man: I drink two of these a day.
me: Two bottles…That size?
old man: Yep.
me: I don’t want to tell you your business, but don’t you think you should slow down a bit? Drinking that much is pretty unhealthy. I mean, at least, brandy needs to be sipped not chugged…You got a snifter upstairs?
old man: I…I don’t do drugs.
[I hung my head, and rubbed my eyes. I guess I set myself up for that one.]
me: Well…You just be safe then. And call me if anything goes wrong.
old man: I will. Thank you.
[The old man boarded the elevator and headed back to his unit. As he did that, I watched him on the cameras to make sure he was OK. Less than a minute after he closed the door to his unit I got a phone call from him.]
me: Hello?
old man: Hi, this is unit 340.
me: Are you OK?
old man: I…I peed…I peed in the elevator.
me: Wonderful.
Well, it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on
Your snippet of the Cosby show was spot on!