INGRATES!
Dear Sean Hannity & Bill O’Reilly,
Great shows tonight. I do not agree with either of you on just about anything, but you do entertain, and that’s why I watch. I am, however, very disappointed in you both.
James Cameron went out of his way to dig up Jesus Christ’s dead body and NEITHER of you ingrates mention it even once on your shows. What do you need? An engraved invitation? Because if you need one, I’m sure Mr. Cameron can oblige. Hell, I bet he could even send you one of those cool 3D “motion posters” with the invitation on it. This is your ultimate “Culture War” story: A big-shot Hollywood guy just (claimed to have) dug up the body of the Messiah.
It’s Out There!
FOX News is working hard to get those young people to watch their network. There was Red Eye, 1/2 Hour News Hour and now: It’s Out There. This show, hosted by Michelle Malkin and Kirsten Powers works hard to cover the “blogosphere” in a way that owes a great deal to Entertainment Tonight.
Another Conversation I Didn’t Want To Hear
I stepped outside the building where I work to get some fresh air. Standing five feet away from me, two grown men were having this conversation:
man #1: You see an egg is this big [holds his index finger and thumb up to illustrate a microscopic size]. I can see people taking out twenty or thirty at a time…
man #2: Uh-huh.
man #1: That’s nothing. They got thousands of those in there. But I can’t see how it’s possible for a man to bust twenty nuts in row.
man #2: It’s possible.
Scarborough Country, 2/22/07
Tonight on “Scarborough Country”: No actual news whatsoever!!!
-Highlights-
-Almost 30 minutes on Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse.
Why, Joe? Why? I know you must feel some amount of shame for spending so much time on this. So why do you do it? I think you will agree with me that gang bangs are, at the very least, in poor taste. Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. Now, can you agree with me that necrophilia is also, at the VERY least, distasteful? Great, we have agreed that gang bangs and necrophilia are in poor taste. Now let’s combine these two things. Wait! You and every other network already beat me to it!!! That’s right, your show spent the first 30 minutes tag-teaming Anna Nicole’s dead body…Again. I understand the first few days of coverage, but this is beyond macabre. Your network has already spent more effort on this than they did the Israel-Lebanon conflict last year.
It’s A Horrible Gig
the city: San Francisco, CA
the location: a small rock club
the year: early 2003
My band is on stage and we are playing our hearts out. Dave is ruling the guitar world, I’m doing my best Sammy Davis Danzig, jr. song stylings, and the drum machine is sending out crushing machine gun beats and synth bass.
The audience is not enthused. In fact, the audience is not even there. Three patrons are upstairs and trying REAL hard to not notice us. We finish a song and the silence is almost humiliating. Not even crickets chirped for us. But we go on. We play 13 more songs about self-loathing, addiction, cats, misanthropy, nuns, more self-loathing and Hugo Boss and the audience still does not care.
We end the set and I say goodbye.
“Good night! You’ve been a shitty audience! Go fuck yourselves.”
1/2 Hour News Hour / Red Eye
1/2 Hour News Hour
At the end of “Sean Hannity’s America” this week, Sean reminded viewers to stick around for the new show “1/2 Hour News Hour.” He commented that Conservatives are the butt of most comedians jokes and that all that was going to change with this show. Yeah! What better way to start off a comedy show than by announcing that revenge was first and foremost in the minds of the producers.
Drunk Dial (Wrong Number)
I was woken from my slumber last night at about 3 am. I reached for the phone on the third ring and croaked into the receiver “Hello?”
lady: “Daniel, why did you ditch me?”
me: “I’m sorry, miss. There is no ‘Daniel’ here. I think you dialed the wrong number.”
lady: “You coke-dicked piece of SHIT!!! Don’t fucking play games with me! I know your mealy, donkey-cock-sucking voice. No one ditches me…”
Valentine’s Day
At my job we are all about promoting something resembling safety. One of the safety issues that the “family services” people promote is safe sex. This is something that should be promoted and I have no problem with this. I think it is awesome that they put large buckets of free condoms and lube for the residents right in the lobby for all to take. It promotes safe sex, some degree of responsibility and should be commended. Now that you have the set up, allow me to begin the story.
